I Saw the Sign -- Now I'm More Confused Than Ever

Recently, I’ve been contemplating the idea of signs and growing experiences.

We all believe in some form of “signs,” some being more legitimate than others. You may not call them “signs,” but really we all can agree we get information from sources outside ourselves on occasion. In my life I often take “signs” as the word of the Holy Spirit. What I’ve been mulling over is when a “sign” is from God but it is, in human perspective, ambiguous. Is it a message to move on, to work harder, to change, etc.? While in the Philippines, I knew I was following God’s will because he gave me “signs” of his purpose – impact, community, spiritual maturity. “Signs” that it was time to leave the Philippines were also clear – peace in the decision, importance in work at the US-MC, and very little drop in my support after announcing the change of ministry.

Those were all positive signs, good things although acting out God’s will wasn’t easy. What I’m struggling with now is what if the signs are negative. Aside from a few inividuals, why has building a community in Colorado been a struggle? Why do some friendships stay on the surface and continually require an outpouring of effort with little result? Why do I have the desire to travel, move on? Why has my monthly support dropped over $500 a month, making it impossible to maintain my salary. What are these signs supposed to tell me? Should I change my focus? Work harder to get new supporters? Postpone dreams/professional ministry? Try to meet new people? Pour out more time and energy to build community?

I guess my major question is, if I am following God’s will for my life why don’t I feel as blessed and reassured as I once did?

This brings me to the other thought – if this is a growing year, what am I learning? The book of Philippians has seemed to follow me around these past four months or so, is there something there? Am I devoid of joy? I feel like I am in a tornado of decisions and changes and I can’t get a grasp on what the purpose is; what am I supposed to do now?

If you think about it, please pray for me in this time. I need a grasp on what I am supposed to do with these “signs” in my life. What’s the bigger picture I am failing to see?

As I continue this time in my life, I pray that I will come out on the other end a stronger person, both spiritually and emotionally. Growing pains hurt, I’m just struggling not to be broken.